Chivalry, Sexism and Virtue

It’s been quite a while since my last post, largely due to the aforementioned parenthood. That parenthood however, along with various current topics, have been mixing in the depths of my brain for a while now, and I want to try and get them down in writing. They concern gender politics, how I wish to raise my son, virtue and the Virtues. They might even eventually start to make some tiny amount of sense, to me if no one else.

Where to start? How about the concept of ‘toxic masculinity’? There are those who react angrily to the notion that masculinity is toxic, but that’s because they’re missing the point. The idea of toxic masculinity isn’t that masculinity itself is toxic. ‘Not all masculinity…’ if you will. There are certain expressions of masculinity, and certain ideals of masculinity that, if carried to extremes, are harmful not only to the man in question, but to those around him. Emotional repression, aggression, over-competitiveness, the need to dominate and control, fear of being seen to be ‘weak’. Not only are these not good expressions of masculinity, in many cases they’re in direct contradiction to what were once considered the ‘manly virtues’.

These manly virtues, also historically thought of as the chivalric virtues, include honour, honesty, courage, loyalty, piety (which, in this secular age I suppose might be termed adherence to ideals), strength (of character and spirit as much if not more than mere physical might), nobility, the protection of the weak, mercy, generosity and kindness. Courtly love and gallantry can be added to them, if they’re not merely a front for simple lust.

These are healthy expressions and products of healthy masculinity, and the virtues that I wish to try and inculcate in my son as he grows up. I may even try to inculcate them in myself, by way of example.

Here’s the thing though; these are fine, manly virtues that all men should wish to possess. But what about them is inherently male? In this age of gender equality, why should men wish to keep these things for themselves? If my son had been a daughter, I would have wished her to be honourable, brave, strong, loyal, generous, kind and so on. It’s time to surrender the (wholly imagined) masculine monopoly on such ideals and acknowledge that they are human ideals. Likewise, what were historically thought of as the feminine virtues; gentleness, compassion, empathy, prudence and so on. Why do the women get all the prudence? I could have done with some prudence, but there was none to be had!

All of these are human virtues. There may be some who would rebel at the idea that men should attempt to possess the feminine virtues, as though they are less worthwhile, or make the men inherently weaker as a result. Surely though, if a thing is good, it is good regardless of your gender. Would anyone argue that it’s bad for a man to be gentle when gentleness is needed, as long as he can be strong when he needs to be as well? If so, what do they make of the etymology of the word gentle? Who wouldn’t want their daughter to be strong, as long as she can be gentle too?

People (often the ones who so dislike the notion of toxic masculinity) frequently bewail the death of chivalry at the hands of feminism and gender equality, but I disagree. Not only is chivalry not dead, it’s more popular than ever. Some think that chivalry is dead because men no longer hold doors open for women. I would argue that chivalry is alive and well because women also hold doors open for men. Indeed men hold doors open for men, and women hold doors open for women. We have, in a stroke, doubled the number of people who can be chivalrous, and also doubled the number of recipients of that chivalry, the 'chivalrees' if you will. I fail to see how that can possibly be a bad thing?

I see people complaining about ‘wokeness’ (which is really just the new word for ‘political correctness gone mad!!!’ (which is a less new word for basic good manners and common courtesy)), but the equality of the sexes doesn’t mean that men can no longer be good men, and women good women. It means that all can be good people, taking the best of everything. No door is shut to you, regardless of your gender, orientation or what have you. Probably because they’re all being held open by someone.

I do not intend to raise my son in the masculine virtues. I intend to raise him in the human virtues. More than that though, I intend (or at least hope) to raise him in the Virtues, of which all human virtues are merely subsegments and details; Faith (whatever that comes to mean for him), Hope and Love. And the greatest of these is Love.