It
seems to have been a while since I last inflicted any of my writing on you.
I’m sure you must have done something to deserve it, so here it is.
In
this particular instance, you can blame Theodore Geisel, a name with which you
may not be familiar, possibly until I tell you that his middle name was Seuss.
There are a few writers who always have the effect of making want to write, and
Seuss, along with Wodehouse and Jerome, almost always has this effect on me.
In Seuss’s case, he makes me want to write rhyming poetry, so like I say, this
is all his fault.
This
is not actually the poem that I wrote as an immediate reaction to my recent
Seussing (I’ve been re-watching the cartoons on Youtube), but one that came
afterwards as a sort of aftershock. The name of the eponymous Professor
was inspired by Sylvester McMonkey McBean, one of the characters from Seuss’s The Sneetches.
The first poem I wrote is a little less fun but rather more meaningful, in that
it actually has a message. I will expose you to it in due course.
This poem has no message at all, and is mostly just me playing with rhymes.
And
yes, before you say anything, I rhyme ‘synthesis’ with ‘telekinesis’, and no, I
won’t apologise. Nope. I’d do it again too!
The
Marvelous Magical Mystic McLatter
Oh
ladies and gentleman, folk of all classes,
Pay
close attention to all that here passes!
Please
be upstanding, shout out your applause,
For he
who has shattered all natural laws,
The
world renowned master of mind over matter
Professor
Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!
He’s
travelled all over and learned from great sages,
A
process not speedy, in fact it took ages!
To
gather the wisdom of fakirs and seers,
Has
taken ten days, seven months and nine years!
His
shoes were worn through and his coat all a tatter,
Professor
Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!
Of all
of his learning he’s made a synthesis,
Of
sorcery, science and telekinesis,
Of
magic and medicine, music and meter,
A
well-rounded scholar you won’t find completer.
Of
spiritualism he’s more than a smatter,
Professor
Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!
Well-trained
in the practical helpful appliance,
Of
physical, chemical, medical science,
Of fresh
paradigms he’s the foremost fomenter,
A pure
pioneer, an inventor’s inventor!
His
searching researches set science a-chatter,
Professor
Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!
The
technical journals are bursting with mentions
Of
this great inventor’s inventive inventions.
Devising
devices for digging out ditches,
And
stitching up saddles without saddle stitches.
His
rat-catching robot’s a prize-winning ratter!
Professor
Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!
He
speaks with the dead, and with minds over miles,
His patented
pills ease the painfullest piles.
His
tinctures can tame the most harsh halitosis,
He’s
expert in homeopathic hypnosis.
With
angels and spirits he’ll have a good natter
Professor
Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!
To aid
all mankind he has made it his mission,
To
heal and to help is his stated position.
But
even a travelling doctor at large
Has to
eat meals and so there’s a charge.
Though
merely expenses, his wallet grows fatter,
Professor
Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!
And
when he has sold you whatever he’s selling,
Like
chats with dead uncles, or cream for a swelling,
Or
dazzled you daft with some mystic display,
He
heads for the hills with the bulk of your pay.
His
servants and helpers all split up and scatter,
Professor
Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!
He’ll
sell you a syrup and call it elixir,
All
served with a magical mystical mixer,
Or
water as ought to be called in all trueness,
All
artfully tinted with chemical blueness.
A
charming dab hand at the snappiest patter,
Professor
Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!
His
machines and devices are largely of balsa,
With
helpers inside, and you can’t get much falser!
The
robot for ratting’s a dog in a suit,
But
this fraudulent fop could not give a hoot.
His
web of deceit must now shiver and shatter.
Professor
Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!
His
potions and lotions and miracle tonics,
Mere
herpetological hydrocarbonics,
With
verified virtues all notably lacking;
The
charges against him are rapidly stacking.
As
sharp as a tack and as mad as a hatter,
Professor
Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!
But
now the police force have had him arrested,
As
multiple witnesses lately attested,
Engaged
in the sale of a sugar solution,
And
thus ends the case for the Crown Prosecution.
Good folk
of the jury, here then is the matter:
Professor
Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!
Copyright
Thomas Jones 2015
