Wednesday, 16 December 2015

The Marvelous Magical Mystic McLatter

It seems to have been a while since I last inflicted any of my writing on you.  I’m sure you must have done something to deserve it, so here it is.

In this particular instance, you can blame Theodore Geisel, a name with which you may not be familiar, possibly until I tell you that his middle name was Seuss.  There are a few writers who always have the effect of making want to write, and Seuss, along with Wodehouse and Jerome, almost always has this effect on me.  In Seuss’s case, he makes me want to write rhyming poetry, so like I say, this is all his fault.

This is not actually the poem that I wrote as an immediate reaction to my recent Seussing (I’ve been re-watching the cartoons on Youtube), but one that came afterwards as a sort of aftershock.  The name of the eponymous Professor was inspired by Sylvester McMonkey McBean, one of the characters from Seuss’s The Sneetches.  The first poem I wrote is a little less fun but rather more meaningful, in that it actually has a message.  I will expose you to it in due course.  This poem has no message at all, and is mostly just me playing with rhymes.

And yes, before you say anything, I rhyme ‘synthesis’ with ‘telekinesis’, and no, I won’t apologise.  Nope. I’d do it again too!

The Marvelous Magical Mystic McLatter

Oh ladies and gentleman, folk of all classes,
Pay close attention to all that here passes!
Please be upstanding, shout out your applause,
For he who has shattered all natural laws,
The world renowned master of mind over matter
Professor Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!

He’s travelled all over and learned from great sages,
A process not speedy, in fact it took ages!
To gather the wisdom of fakirs and seers,
Has taken ten days, seven months and nine years!
His shoes were worn through and his coat all a tatter,
Professor Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!

Of all of his learning he’s made a synthesis,
Of sorcery, science and telekinesis,
Of magic and medicine, music and meter,
A well-rounded scholar you won’t find completer.
Of spiritualism he’s more than a smatter,
Professor Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!

Well-trained in the practical helpful appliance,
Of physical, chemical, medical science,
Of fresh paradigms he’s the foremost fomenter,
A pure pioneer, an inventor’s inventor!
His searching researches set science a-chatter,
Professor Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!

The technical journals are bursting with mentions
Of this great inventor’s inventive inventions.
Devising devices for digging out ditches,
And stitching up saddles without saddle stitches.
His rat-catching robot’s a prize-winning ratter!
Professor Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!

He speaks with the dead, and with minds over miles,
His patented pills ease the painfullest piles.
His tinctures can tame the most harsh halitosis,
He’s expert in homeopathic hypnosis.
With angels and spirits he’ll have a good natter
Professor Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!

To aid all mankind he has made it his mission,
To heal and to help is his stated position.
But even a travelling doctor at large
Has to eat meals and so there’s a charge.
Though merely expenses, his wallet grows fatter,
Professor Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!

And when he has sold you whatever he’s selling,
Like chats with dead uncles, or cream for a swelling,
Or dazzled you daft with some mystic display,
He heads for the hills with the bulk of your pay.
His servants and helpers all split up and scatter,
Professor Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!

He’ll sell you a syrup and call it elixir,
All served with a magical mystical mixer,
Or water as ought to be called in all trueness,
All artfully tinted with chemical blueness.
A charming dab hand at the snappiest patter,
Professor Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!

His machines and devices are largely of balsa,
With helpers inside, and you can’t get much falser!
The robot for ratting’s a dog in a suit,
But this fraudulent fop could not give a hoot.
His web of deceit must now shiver and shatter.
Professor Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!

His potions and lotions and miracle tonics,
Mere herpetological hydrocarbonics,
With verified virtues all notably lacking;
The charges against him are rapidly stacking.
As sharp as a tack and as mad as a hatter,
Professor Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!

But now the police force have had him arrested,
As multiple witnesses lately attested,
Engaged in the sale of a sugar solution,
And thus ends the case for the Crown Prosecution.
Good folk of the jury, here then is the matter:
Professor Sylvester O’Connell McLatter!

Copyright Thomas Jones 2015

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