Monday, 28 July 2014

A New National Anthem

In these days of Commonwealth Cups and World Football games, Wimbleton competitions, London Snickers* and so forth, there have been plenty of opportunities to hear our country’s national anthem.

In the past, I have heard people opine that the British National Anthem is dull and dirge-like, that its references to both God and the monarchy are now hopelessly old-fashioned and no longer reflect the true feelings of the average Briton.  I can’t say I agree with them, since I think that both God and the Queen are rather awesome, and the former saving the latter is definitely a Good Thing.  However, bursting with the milk of human kindness and willing to plug a perceived gap in our collective existence, I have composed a new song that perfectly encapsulates the current zeitgeist, that simply says out loud exactly what almost everybody (barring unfortunate misanthropes, monsters and misfits) is thinking.

Throughout each verse is weaved a message so subtle as to be almost subliminal.  Don’t try and fight it.  Just lie back and let it do its work.  I’m also on Paypal, if that helps.

So anyway, here it is, your new National Anthem!  (FYI, most of my friends and close acquaintances know me as ‘TJ’)

The British National Anthem 2.0

Hooray for TJ, great leader of men!
All chorus his glorious praises and then,
Consider his victories, triumphs and wins,
Unnumbered and how, unencumbered by sins,
He stands as a model of virtue and health,
Let’s crown him our monarch and send him our wealth!

He’s dashing and daring and most debonair,
With knowledge and courage and honour to spare.
A hale and hardy hard-hitting hero,
When he explains he makes everything clear.  Oh,
How can it be he’s so witty and funny?
Proclaim him your master and send him your money!

Courteous, caring and cunning as hell,
But honest and modest as millions can tell.
A Hercules, Hannibal, Homer or Hector,
A hammer of grammar and spelling corrector,
He lives every second with vim and panache,
Let’s make him our leader and send him our cash!

Bursting with brains and hearty of health,
So clever, but never admits it himself.
Quietly modest is always his way,
Though all that have met him have much more to say.
A wisdom preserver, so learned in his learnings,
Attempt to deserve him and send him your earnings!

Three cheers for this hero of virtues unending,
The leaderless leading, the friendless befriending,
He’s feeding the foodless and freeing the fettered,
And all your best efforts he’s already bettered.
So praise and adore him, but do it correctly!
Go talk to your banker and debit directly.

Copyright Thomas Jones 2014

*You’re showing your age if you got that one.                     


  1. must. give. tj. money. must - ooh shiny, got distracted by real music - what, where..mmm... oh.