The Small Kitchen Waltz

Time to inflict some more of my writing on you. I am, apparently, a ‘millennial’. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, it is a word used by trendy but idiotic people to pigeonhole every single person born between about 1980 and 2000. Because obviously generalisations made about such a broad range of ages, influenced as we have been by the rapid advances in communication technology over this period, must hold good. Ok, rant over.

One of the ‘millennial’ traits that does hold true is the fact that I do not own my own house; I’ve lived in a string of different rented flats and houses over the last decade. One common feature of such places, especially when shared with partners or housemates, is that the kitchen is usually woefully inadequate to requirements. As a result, when more than one of you wishes to use it, you are forced into an intricate dance in which you circle and weave around each other, often while holding hot pans or full kettles.

It is to people who have lived or still live in such circumstances that the below is respectfully dedicated. This is actually written as a song rather than a poem, and I do have a tune in mind. If you’re very unlucky and run into me in person I will share it with you.

The Small Kitchen Waltz

My darling we rented a small maisonette,

When we viewed it, it seemed rather ace.

But when we inspected one thing we neglected:

Does the kitchen have quite enough space?

It’s something we both should have noticed at once,

But really it’s neither our faults,

And we both can get in if we side-step and spin,

And we join in the Small Kitchen Waltz!

There's only one cupboard and only two drawers,

No pantry and only one shelf,

And while I am in it you must wait a minute,

There's barely the room for myself.

But if we are patient and if we are kind,

And don't act like ninnies or dolts,

And we just take our turn then how quickly we'll learn,

How to dance to the Small Kitchen Waltz!

The space from the sink to the bin’s rather small,

From the fridge to the cooker’s not wide.

And when I am in it, you must wait a minute,

There’s no room to work side by side!

But if I step this way and you move around,

We can cook and wash up without halts.

And each day of the week we’ll be pressed cheek to cheek,

As we dance to the Small Kitchen Waltz!

As we join in the dance that’s been trodden before,

By those with no room to manoeuvre,

If you pass me the saucepan, and move to your left,

I can turn and then plug in the hoover.

Then I’ll move to the right, and we’ll circle again,

As you get down the spices and salts,

And my dear we’ll make do, though there’s no room for two,

We will circle and slide and we’ll spin to the side,

Taking our chance in this romantic dance,

As we master the Small Kitchen Waltz!

Copyright Thomas Jones 2017