The Very Model of a Modern Mainstream Methodist

For my first actual post, I'm putting up something that I originally posted on the UK Methodists group on Facebook (Yes, we're on Facebook).  From there it found its way onto a couple of blogs, and into several church newsletters:

(To be sung to the tune of A Modern Major-General, by Gilbert and Sullivan, to whom I can only apologise)

I am the very model of a modern mainstream Methodist,

I find myself under attack by both the fundamentalist,
And the growing number who are all completely secular,

And claim that the whole universe is solely molecular.

The one lot think I’m stupid and the rest that I’m a heretic,

Despite my finest reasoning and arguments so very quick

And so I play the middle line against the pull of each extreme

Whilst they all think that I am on the evil and opposing team!

We still think Wesley’s sermons are the pinnacle rhetorical

And our Eucharistic wine is still non-alcoholical,

But at least our bread is bread unlike the Ordinariate,

Who can keep their rotten wafers, even when they transubstantiate!

I am the very model of a modern mainstream Methodist,

We are fairly open and aren’t really over-prejudiced

We've got female ministers and have a preaching laity

And think that they are equal in the sight of our deity,

We are still debating on the issue homosexual,

Is it that immoral, is it socially contextual?

But you’ll never find us being a little bit disparaging,

And we sometimes give them blessings as we ponder on gay marriaging.

People think that properly I’m supposed to shun the demon drink,

But I enjoy a pint or four and I must say I really think

That all God’s gifts are good for you when used in moderation,

After all ‘twas God Himself invented fermentation!

In fact when I know off by heart ‘And Can It Be’ and ‘Love Divine’

And don’t believe you’re justified ahead of time by pre-design,

And when I think God tries to be really rather lenient,

By making sure His grace is free and totally prevenient;

When we arrange our churches in an order circuituitous,

And know that to be Methodist is really most fortuitous,

Because I know that I am right when holding forth doctrinally,

Though our congregation sizes tend to trend declinally,

And when I know of what you speak by Wesleyan and Primitive,

And think that my theology is totally definitive,

And when I’m really rather rude about the poor old Calvinist,

You’ll say I am the model of a modern mainstream Methodist!

Words are copyright of Thomas Jones, 2013